21 years, how can it be 21 years? As I sit here and reflect it seems such a short time ago and at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.
21 years today since I held my husband in my arms…….
I held him in my arms watching his breathing as I gently whispered in his ear. The words were important however not as important as the connection we both craved, we both needed our bodies pressed together giving each other physical presence and some warmth in the dark of the night. My world was changing, my life, as I knew it, ending. I could hardly breathe, I tried to deepen my breathing forcing air into my lungs, lungs that seemed not to want to take the next breath or the next, my chest tight I willed him to do the same. I could hardly breathe, nothing else mattered in those dark quiet moments. These moments of quiet just the two of us together bathed in our bond of love, to breath together, supporting each other as we always had, my husband, my love, my best mate, in my arms protecting him as he began a journey I desperately didn’t want him to take.
Holding him gently, whispering my love when all the while my mind and body were screaming, I wanted to hold him tight, to squeeze him tight in my arms to show my love, instead I held him gently, as gently as the words I continually whispered.
Why were we here?, How did we get to this and why so quickly, it’s not time I will not let him go. Life changed in an instant I knew, but I didn’t like it so many questions raging as I focused on him.
Together in those dark quiet moments we faced a vortex, a big black hole of emotions, emotions we both didn’t want to face, we were being sucked into it and I fought as much as he fought, to stop it.
We both knew, we knew, we didn’t want it, we knew there was now no choice, however, we didn’t want to go on this journey alone, we’d always been together facing this black hole, the vortex alone, NO, not alone, go away vortex, go away black hole, we’re not ready we’ll never be ready we shouldn’t have to be ready. Nothing, nothing, else was more important than these moments with my love in my arms.
As the time wore on we lay together, I willed him to breathe and found myself breathing in the same forced uneven rhythm as he, willing him to take deeper breaths, to stay with me, please stay with me my whole body and mind focused on the same sentences over, over and over, ‘please stay with me’, ‘please stay with us ‘we need you’, ‘I need you’, over and over and over in my mind.
Yet still, the words that I whispered to him were all about our blessings, our life, our memories and most of all our children, our beautiful children who were unknowing, sleeping, so unaware their lives were going to change forever.
‘Stay with me’, please stay, please….
21 years ago our lives changed forever…….
Joy Fairhall – Connecting Mind, Body and Joy
When life throws a curveball, Joy Fairhall is the person you want in your corner.
Founder of Mind Body Joy, she brings personal insight and professional expertise to help find the positive perspective to overcome and manage a life-changing event.
Qualified as a Positive Psychology and Wellbeing Practitioner, Joy focuses on the link between mind and body, enabling people to function well,
physically and emotionally.
Fill Everyday with Joy